Life's like this. (hope this gets to you)

Dear Cortana,
Not always will things go like,
How you wished they would,
People who you call family,
Will leave you, if they could.
Know why?
Cause they call you their bestie,
You turn back, they say,
Who the fuck was she?

Dear Friend,
Know who the real peeps are,
For they will give up everything,
They have for what you wanna become!
They will be beside you,
On your every war,
Until death makes them numb.

Dear You,
Things have been tough lately?
Two guardiangels who should've been,
Aren't together no more,
Lost and confused, you don't know where to go!
Scared, yet you are here!
Battling it out with your worst fear.
Pat yourself on your back,
Because you deserve good,
And much more than that.

Hey Cortana,
Life is not what you think it is,
For there is more darkness than good,
More anger than the fight for food,
People betray one and another,
Don't care about you,
Not me neither.
I'm being brutally honest,
You think everyone knows you,
Turn back, they ask
Who the fuck were you?

Hey friend,
I'm sorry if I couldn't be the one,
You thought I'd be,
I ran too fast, yet couldn't see.
I know you need someone,
To help you through your thick and thin,
Support you and lift your chin!

Hey you,
Don't worry cause the haters don't matter no more,
Find out the peeps who really care,
And do keep them close,
Because they are the ones,
That truly matter,
To you and me, do that
And you shall see,
That everything happens for the best,
When you know with who you gotta be!

- Aekansh Dixit.

The Eye Opener

"The change doesn't come when you realize you're right or wrong. The change comes when you start rectifying the wrongs you have done."

The boring Chemistry class got over, and it ended with a dull conversation with my best friend about life. I jumped over the desk as soon as the teacher (sir) left and decided to go visit my friends in the next class.

But no sooner had I stepped out, than I saw this teacher (ma'am) scolding a few of my class mates at the far end of the corridor, and another Chemistry teacher (sir) walking towards our class. When I asked him if we had Computers instead in the last period, he replied with fearful eyes that it didn't matter and the best move for me right now is to go back to my class. I sensed something strong in his eyes, and looked over that far end of the corridor. I instantly judged her character and went running inside the class shouting "Damn she's strict!" and sat in my place and had my Walkman and earphones hidden deep inside my backpack and myself comfortably placed before she walked in with utmost confidence.

As soon as she walked in, she started demanding the girls to sit in the center row and the guys to occupy the either rows left. We all were shocked and confused as we didn't even know this teacher and she's acting like she's the boss. The first impression, or rather first thought in my head was "Who is this?" and mind you, it was "Who is this?" and not "What the hell is she thinking of herself?". I wish I had that thought. But I didn't.

Then, as we settled she began addressing us. As the lecture on life progressed, I started growing my respect towards her. She told things which I had known before and nothing new, but it was the way she told it. It was her confidence. It was her orating skills. It was her attitude. That attitude a person develops over a long period of time by doing good things all the time that they have nothing to lose and are living their life with pride. And she told it. She's living her life with pride and has all the success she needs.

As soon as she left, it was the voice she took with her, but it was the words that stood there echoing in the walls of the class in few of our friends' minds. It was her sayings. While coming back to my home, I was dull and hadn't spoken a word to my bus mate. He waited for fifteen minutes but soon got worried and was tempted to ask me what exactly had my mind so engrossed that I've been staring at the chair in front of me for good fifteen minutes. And then it started. Welcome to this "kind of personal" diary entry probably for the first time in my life. This is a lesson I learnt, and thought it might make someone else's life easy too. Welcome to "The Eye Opener".

*** Consider the below as my reply to the question my friend asked because in the whole one hour trip, it was only me who was talking, and all he did was listen and then later said bye and got down ***

I don't know. I feel like everything I have done in my life so far, is wrong. I don't know what makes me feel this way. I don't want to be this. I want to change. But I don't know how. There's this teacher who came today. And she told some pretty good stuff and it influenced me. I knew it all along, but had no one to tell it to me. 

I'm not the person you think I am. I'll tell you how I was in school. I was disciplined. I was aware of my culture, my ethics, and my rules, and my limits. I was in control. Everyone had respect for me and that is how I always wanted to live my life. I have always believed that at the end it's not how many people you met, it's about how many lives you changed for the good. And I was on my way. I was this guy who cared too much about his own set of rules. 

Yes, I always had a few set of rules for living my life. I always followed them. I was this guy who enthusiastically wanted to do something for the society. I was the one who started the Save Environment Group on Facebook and made sure everyone of my friends knew the importance of saving the nature. With the hard work of my friends, and my own, we grew our reach from 3 members to over 350 members today. I was this guy who never took a leave on any National Celebration especially Republic Day, and the Independence Day, because I felt even if I can't do a lot for the country at the moment, I can show my devotion to the country by doing or performing at least something on those days to make a small change. Not a big one, a small tiny one.

I was this guy who used to eat chips packets and used to keep the wrappers of my chips, and my friends' who threw it on the street in my pocket and carried it all the way to my home to dispose them well. Not to litter. I was this guy who respected teachers for their position and for their person. Never in my life had I even thought ill about any teacher both consciously and unconsciously. I was this guy who believed in ideals and believed in Gandhi's words that "Be the change you want to see in this world."

Yeah, you might be thinking what a boring guy I used to be. Well, apparently you're wrong on this one, pal. I used to have the same amount of fun that my other "funky" friends had. I too had a girlfriend, I too used to watch many movies with my friends, I too used to go out for dinner, and used to attend every field trip and flirt a lot and everything that makes you look cool.

But I used to also be the one begging around for clothes and some money so that the next time our school took us on the Orphanage Trips, I wouldn't have to see the sad "lost-hope" faces of the old women and men when I say, "I'm sorry, I've run out of supplies."

But I used to also be the first one to stand up and contribute. I also use to be the one to sacrifice everything I am doing right now just to help my friend. I used to fight with my parents just to make sure my friend sleeps a peaceful night. 

But I used to also be the one sacrificing my seat in the city bus just to make sure that old tired man from his work at least helps his leg carry him home. But I used to also be the one to make sure I respect everyone - women and men equally, and that one day, there will be a change in the country and there will, trust me, be a better world. 

Now what has happened? Until my school life, I was exactly how I described above. Now in college life, everything changed. And if you honestly ask me, it changed for the worse. Everyday the same routine - get up in the morning, send your close friends a good morning message and if time permits, chat a little too, then get ready, face the college for eight hours and come back home and chat again, then think about studying, but never study, and then it's too late, and I go back to sleep. No learning, no fun, no knowledge, just stress. What life is this?

Are you still listening? I'm sorry I'm boring you. But I need to talk. Honestly, what life is this? I don't belong here. I know I keep talking about prioritizing stuff and working accordingly, and not that in my life I have never learnt to prioritize - I had. And it was only my discipline and my passion to do something big that I managed to get the marks I got in my tenth.

And that's what is lacking. The discipline. Do you know when my mom used to tell me in tenth that you aren't studying, I used to take it up seriously. Even if I didn't make a timetable on the paper, I used to mentally calculate my time and always stick by it. It was my discipline. I honestly don't recall any fights with either of my parents regarding my studies during my tenth grade, They knew I was studying, I knew I had what it takes.

And now? Not even a single day passes without my mom scolding me for not studying, for stop chatting, and not a single day in which I don't shout, or scream, or throw and break stuff in the house. Somewhere, something is going wrong. I know it.

And I'll tell you something interesting. In Bhagvat Geeta, there is a reference to a Mahabharata incident. When Krishna asks Duryodhana that what he's doing is wrong, Duryodhana gives a very interesting reply.

He says, "Don't tell me what's wrong or what's right. I know what's wrong or what's right. Tell me why I can't stop doing wrong even when I know I'm wrong."

Even though Krishna came up with a rather psychological answer, it was worth a thought. We all know what's wrong or what's right, and yet we fail to stop ourselves. One of my chemistry teachers in Deeksha, popularly called TVS Sir was shouting at us for not paying attention in the class and randomly gives this mind blowing quote.

He said, "To reach another level, we will first have to leave the level we currently are in."

It struck my mind, actually, you know, knowledge is like air. It's everywhere. And I'm not shameful from soaking knowledge wherever I get it - maybe it's from my seniors, maybe my batch mates, or even juniors for that matter. Knowledge can be taken from anywhere.

I really don't understand what's happening. Something must have changed right? How did a guy who was so good suddenly turn like this to something messed up? And all of my close friends reading this blog post, don't think it is because of me falling in love.

I'll proudly tell you that I have fallen in love before too, but I didn't let it affect me. Yes, this time it's more serious than ever, but it still is love, right? Then what's wrong? I'll tell you. It's prioritizing stuff. That's where all the planning fails. We do wrong things at the so called right times. And then wonder our whole lives what went wrong.

And honestly, me thinking about my life so deeply and this teacher's lecture on me will not change anything much. Anybody knows of  Sandeep Maheshwari? In one of his seminars, he is seen quoting something really powerful.

He says, "After the end of this seminar, nobody will remember anything I said. It will just be a temporary change in all of you, and then from tomorrow you are back to living your life. Then is this seminar a waste of time? At the end of this seminar, if I ask the audience to raise hands all of them who are paying hundred percent concentration to what I'm speaking, I'll get ninety percent of the people raising their hands. But if from that ninety percent I ask one of them to requote what I said just in the beginning, I'm pretty sure after one hour of the seminar nobody will remember my words. But if I ask the same crowd to briefly explain the meaning of this seminar, everybody will have their say."

That's interesting right? Why can't we remember what he said? And to be honest, after the hour's session, I actually wasn't able to recollect what he said. But I knew what he meant to say. It's definitely got to do something with his orating skills no doubt, but it also has something to do the way our minds works.

Anyone seen Inception? It's the same thing. We see our favourite actor Leonardo DiCaprio tell this plane simple line, but it leaves a mark on the people who think about it deeply.

He says, "What's the most resilient parasite? An idea. A single idea from the human mind can build cities. An idea can transform the world and rewrite all the rules."

That's what Sandeep wanted to convey too. And this was a little before the movie came out, so I actually respected what Sandeep said. It's not what I say that matters, it's the meaning that stays. Why am I writing all this? It's because I want to find out where I am going wrong. Maybe the idea is not clear in my head. Maybe my brain hasn't yet measured the damage I have done to my future by wasting one year of first PUC. 

And as I continue to write, I remember another of my Deeksha teachers, known as AR Sir, quote something interesting too.

He said, "We do difficult things in our life with utmost care and perfection. Yet we fail to do simple things in our life."

It had me wondering, and as my habit goes, I asked myself why we can't perform the simple things? Is it because our mind is too tuned to complicated things that it makes a simple problem a complicated one? No. It's simply because we take the simple things for granted. That's right, We all know two plus three is five. But when we get our answer sheets, we hang our head in shame because we wrote two plus three is six. We multiplied instead of adding. It's because we took that double line symbol in between the two numbers for granted. We did not care to see whether those two lines are straight (add) or diagonal (multiply).

I need to make a change. And I'll tell you my New Year's resolution.

"Make small commitments than big promises."

And maybe that will help me. Maybe I should start small. Everyone knows one good speech and one good thought can not really change everything if we don't build on that idea. Okay, let's start small. Let me start by prioritizing stuff. And of course, studies should be the main priority.

And then, how do we go about studying if we have a person running all over our head and so many problems and pressures? Let's start small. Let's start by a page. Yes, today, I'll study a page. I'll make sure I understand everything. And then tomorrow two pages, then five, then ten, and then a whole lesson! We need to keep growing. We can't get stuck. At the end of the day, everyday we should learn something or do something productive that will change our life and that's what is life all about.

I want to apologize to my dad. For all the times I have let him down. I want to be honest with him. I really don't belong here. And I really don't want to go where they want me to. I want to be something else.

You are seriously bored no? Let me talk, please?

I want to start small. Maybe a good start will be by not doing anything wrong consciously? Listen, the good habits aren't gone. It's just subdued. Know how it feels when you stand up and wish your teacher in the class and no one else does that and then they start laughing at you because you were singing that "Good Morneeeeeng Maaaaam" song all alone? Sometimes it's the people around us.

Yes, one more point. Company does matter too. I have a lot of friends. But I have only few "good" friends. It's true that the type of friend you make is most likely what you think you are. That's how we connect right?

Remember? "We become best friends the moment I do something crazy and I don't have to explain why I did that."

Interesting. I hope this blog post helped you. In some way or the other. It's never too late to start something good you know? And honestly, if you ask me why I want to earn money in life, I'll reply:

"I want to earn money in life, so that I can give it."

Help others. Be good. Be you. Lead a life with example. Know where you come from. Respect your country. Respect everyone. Keep your culture and ethics with you. Be in your limits. Stay fresh. And make small commitments than big promises, and I'm sure all of us will change one day.

***

"Dude, my stop is coming!" my bus mate tells.
"Sorry man. I must have bored you like crazy with this random stuff right?"
"No da, it actually made sense!"
"Oh, thanks."
"Bye!"
"Take care."

Maps

"The tragedy is not that the people do not love us but because we fall in love with those who are not able to love us."

"WHAT???" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The phone slipped from my hand. It fell down with a thud so loud that my heart skipped a beat. My eye sight blurred. The very thought of imagining her in that condition left me dead inside out.

Panicking was the only thing I could do - and did. I reached the spot in an impatient fifteen minutes. Those fifteen minutes were probably the most, the most, THE MOST longest fifteen minutes of my whole lifetime.

"Where's it? Where's it?" I asked every random stranger my eyes could see "Where's the fucking emergency room?" I couldn't keep sight of my direction as I was walking clumsily. Somebody held my hand and directed me towards that room - don't remember who that person was. I wish I could thank him - but I had better jobs to do.

I looked at her. Covered in blood. Her eyes as wide as a church door, but probably suggesting something completely opposite. The idea wasn't clear - my mind couldn't interpret it. I looked at her - and just couldn't stop looking. I could't and didn't think of anything. Didn't talk, din't believe, didn't ask, didn't move - just looked. My eyesight was blurred again as my knees lost the power to handle my weight.

Somebody picked me up, but I punched him. I was angry. This couldn't be happening. No, not at this time! Not when everything was going to be fine! Not when she promised me she'll be there. Not when I found my love. Not, just not now! I shouted, I cried, and she just looked at me - expressionless.

I felt dizzy. I punched the wall.

"This couldn't be happening!" I scream but my voice died inside my throat. Too scared to even reach her ears. "How the fuck did this happen? What happened to her!!! REVIVE HER! FUCKING DOCS!!"

I shouted, looked at the doctors, even pulled one's collar, the guards ran towards me to stop me. I punched one of them. Someone grabbed my left hand -  I kick him and fall to the ground as I hear the bullet pierce through my tibia. I cry. I cry. I cry. I look up, the bright light fade into darkness, The light bulb on the top wasn't bothering me any more.

I try getting up. I look at her. I want to touch her. I collapse.

***

No, I didn't die. No - I didn't lose consciousness. No I didn't faint. I collapsed. Mentally. All my brain cells were so tightly tangled inside - and on top of each other that I could't do anything about it. I was thinking, but couldn't move myself. I was listening - but couldn't respond. I was seeing - but couldn't believe.

I gathered all the strength I had, to get up. The blood loss wasn't bothering me. The guards had me on a a stretcher. I broke through them and just before slipping from my own blood  I managed to grab hold of the bed's corner. I get up. I look at her. Into her eyes - like I had never seen them.

They were telling me something. They were scared. They were't closed. They had fear. They needed someone to make them believe in life again. They needed somebody to love. They needed me. They loved me. They needed me. And when I'm here for her - she's not.

Now when I need her, she's not. Now when I need to re-believe, she's not here. Now when I need to love her, she's not here. Now when I'm giving it my hundred percent, she's not here. This is not fair. Life is not fair. It was never.

I finally fall on the ground for one last time. My eyes shut, and my heart beats dropped. Later, my body was placed right next to hers. I had to. I couldn't evade it. It was the promise I made to her. To be there for her till the end. It was the promise I made to myself. To be there for her, even after the end.

And after all, "I was just following the map that leads to you!"

Twisted Turbulence

“Only the very weak-minded refuse to be influenced by literature and poetry.” ― Cassandra Clare

Sarcastically ironically probably,
The things she thought she said magnificently,
Scared scarred stared like a star,
Cautiously carefully cured by her chocolate bar,
Moved grooved huffed and puffed,
Lovingly lover love was who she loved,
Doubt crowd fear and tear,
Things she said saying sayings that I hear,
Ignoringly ignoring me like ignoring her ignore,
Knowing the knowledge she knows,
Winding wind winding around her skin as the wind blows,
Twisting turning tumbling and tossing she gets me in the bed,
She's a troublesome troublemaker causing troubling trouble in my head,
She's a twisted turbulence!
- Aekansh Dixit.

P.S: Just a random effort at writing something new. This blog was never meant for any poetry, but I felt like this is worth sharing, I guess. Hope you had a good read!

Lust. Infatuation. Or Love?

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” ― Dr. Seuss

Look, I'm sorry I didn't pick up writing blog posts for a long time, and I'm pretty sure you will not be looking forward for this subject as much as you did for my other "inventive" short stories. So, if you have already started reading this, why not finish it?

I'm going to straight away start from the basics - The Definitions.

Lust - strong sexual desire.
Infatuation - an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.
Love - (n) a strong feeling of affection. (v) feel deep affection or sexual love for (someone).

Well, there is a lot of difference between each one of them. And that is something really complex to find out what kind of feeling we're "actually" feeling. Of course, every guy who's in infatuation says that he/she loves the other person just as much as a person who's "actually" in love. But what's that cuts the ice?

It's the feelings - in itself.

All you got to do to figure out all of this is to sit in a quiet place, and have some peaceful time with just you, and your mind. Doing a bit of research, I found out this interesting comparison - might as well share it here:

• Love develops gradually over time. Infatuation occurs almost instantaneously.
• Love can last a long time. It becomes deeper and more powerful over time. Infatuation is powerful, but short-lived.
• Love accepts the whole person, imperfections and all. Infatuation flourishes on perfection – you have an idealized image of your partner and you only show your partner your good side.
• Love is more than physical attraction. Infatuation focuses on the physical.
• Love is energizing. Infatuation is draining.
• Love improves your overall disposition. Infatuation brings out jealousy and obsessiveness. It causes you to neglect other relationships.
• Loves survives arguments. Infatuation glosses over arguments.
• Love considers the other person. Infatuation is selfish.
• Love is being in love with a person. Infatuation is being in love with love.

So are you in love? Or is it just an infatuation. Let's find out.

Infatuation deals with that happy face of love. It gives you a million reasons to smile, it gives you day dreams, and it gives you another dozen reasons to be stupid. It is, of course, a short lived feeling for someone and is often termed as "crushes" towards other mates.

Infatuation is a wonderful feeling as long as it is not mistaken for love. Infatuation is when all you see is your crush's perfections. All you do when you see him/her with others is get jealous. All you care about is seeing him/her again just so that you can get that rush of adrenaline. Infatuation is when you get all possessive about him/her. You love him/her for the reason why you fell for them. You don't really acknowledge him/her for the way he/she actually is. You try to hide faults, and show only the perfect side of yours. You see butterflies when he/she walks past, and well just everything that is shown in the movies. It's when you start becoming obsessive about that person. But all that hardly lasts for a longer time. Some day, it'll just end. And that. Precisely that, is what separates it from love.

But love, it's something totally different. Love is a serious thing. It's a really serious thing that grows gradually as the time goes by. It's when you accept the other person with all his/her flaws, all their perfections, and imperfections. It's when you don't care who he's/she's talking to, you don't really get jealous, but you look for his/her happiness instead.  You can sacrifice everything of yours just to make her/him feel better about themselves.

It's when before you taste something good, you think about your love's reaction towards that happy incident - you'll think about how happy he/she would feel if they tried this out. It's when you put him/her before yourself. It's when you devote your entire life to the person you love the most. Love is all about security, trust and loyalty. In infatuation, there will be a lot of reasons for you to break up. But when you're in love, even if there's only one reason to hold on, it'll be enough for you to not break up. Love is when you purposefully lose an argument against him/her just so that you both don't fight.

Love is celebration. Unlike infatuation, which drains you out if you don't get to see that person you desire for, love keeps you happy. Love keeps you going. Love is when you do little sacrifices and never let your pride take control of yourself. Love is when you start changing for the better. Love is the fuel, and mind is the vehicle. Love is commitment. Love is when you choose "we" over "me". Love is when you both work together to build a good life.

Love is that strength which keeps you going when everything around you goes to hell. Love is that feeling which keeps you in check. Before you do any action, you think the consequences that would affect "we" instead of "me". It's when you lose all those selfish thoughts about yourself and make sacrifices for the person you love and you would really not boast about these sacrifices because boasting is not what you did them for, it's the care and affection you've got for them that made you do the sacrifices.

Love is when you have confidence in him/her even when you both might not be together. It's about holding on tight when everyone tell you to leave. Love is when you panic if you aren't aware of what your love's condition is. It's when you start crying (being a guy or a girl, never be shy of crying) over the thought of your love getting hurt. Love is that feeling which makes you who you are.

Love is experienced in the present moment. It makes you forget all those sad memories and tension of the future, and just let's you be who you are. Love makes you complete.

So, that was about it. I know, a pretty long post about "love","infatuation" and all, but hey, lust is still left out. But, that is not a very big deal either.

Lust is basically a strong desire towards the opposite gender because of their physical attraction, and nothing more. It lasts for a very little time, and can sometimes grow into infatuation. That's all.

So all my lovers out there, happy Hallowe'en! Cheers!

References:
http://www.srcp.org/for_some_parents/developmental_disabilities/the_specifics/infatuationDD.html
http://www.diffen.com/difference/Infatuation_vs_Love
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/janet-ong-zimmerman/am-i-love-how-know-sure#.VFOP6_mUeSo