Maps

"The tragedy is not that the people do not love us but because we fall in love with those who are not able to love us."

"WHAT???" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The phone slipped from my hand. It fell down with a thud so loud that my heart skipped a beat. My eye sight blurred. The very thought of imagining her in that condition left me dead inside out.

Panicking was the only thing I could do - and did. I reached the spot in an impatient fifteen minutes. Those fifteen minutes were probably the most, the most, THE MOST longest fifteen minutes of my whole lifetime.

"Where's it? Where's it?" I asked every random stranger my eyes could see "Where's the fucking emergency room?" I couldn't keep sight of my direction as I was walking clumsily. Somebody held my hand and directed me towards that room - don't remember who that person was. I wish I could thank him - but I had better jobs to do.

I looked at her. Covered in blood. Her eyes as wide as a church door, but probably suggesting something completely opposite. The idea wasn't clear - my mind couldn't interpret it. I looked at her - and just couldn't stop looking. I could't and didn't think of anything. Didn't talk, din't believe, didn't ask, didn't move - just looked. My eyesight was blurred again as my knees lost the power to handle my weight.

Somebody picked me up, but I punched him. I was angry. This couldn't be happening. No, not at this time! Not when everything was going to be fine! Not when she promised me she'll be there. Not when I found my love. Not, just not now! I shouted, I cried, and she just looked at me - expressionless.

I felt dizzy. I punched the wall.

"This couldn't be happening!" I scream but my voice died inside my throat. Too scared to even reach her ears. "How the fuck did this happen? What happened to her!!! REVIVE HER! FUCKING DOCS!!"

I shouted, looked at the doctors, even pulled one's collar, the guards ran towards me to stop me. I punched one of them. Someone grabbed my left hand -  I kick him and fall to the ground as I hear the bullet pierce through my tibia. I cry. I cry. I cry. I look up, the bright light fade into darkness, The light bulb on the top wasn't bothering me any more.

I try getting up. I look at her. I want to touch her. I collapse.

***

No, I didn't die. No - I didn't lose consciousness. No I didn't faint. I collapsed. Mentally. All my brain cells were so tightly tangled inside - and on top of each other that I could't do anything about it. I was thinking, but couldn't move myself. I was listening - but couldn't respond. I was seeing - but couldn't believe.

I gathered all the strength I had, to get up. The blood loss wasn't bothering me. The guards had me on a a stretcher. I broke through them and just before slipping from my own blood  I managed to grab hold of the bed's corner. I get up. I look at her. Into her eyes - like I had never seen them.

They were telling me something. They were scared. They were't closed. They had fear. They needed someone to make them believe in life again. They needed somebody to love. They needed me. They loved me. They needed me. And when I'm here for her - she's not.

Now when I need her, she's not. Now when I need to re-believe, she's not here. Now when I need to love her, she's not here. Now when I'm giving it my hundred percent, she's not here. This is not fair. Life is not fair. It was never.

I finally fall on the ground for one last time. My eyes shut, and my heart beats dropped. Later, my body was placed right next to hers. I had to. I couldn't evade it. It was the promise I made to her. To be there for her till the end. It was the promise I made to myself. To be there for her, even after the end.

And after all, "I was just following the map that leads to you!"

Twisted Turbulence

“Only the very weak-minded refuse to be influenced by literature and poetry.” ― Cassandra Clare

Sarcastically ironically probably,
The things she thought she said magnificently,
Scared scarred stared like a star,
Cautiously carefully cured by her chocolate bar,
Moved grooved huffed and puffed,
Lovingly lover love was who she loved,
Doubt crowd fear and tear,
Things she said saying sayings that I hear,
Ignoringly ignoring me like ignoring her ignore,
Knowing the knowledge she knows,
Winding wind winding around her skin as the wind blows,
Twisting turning tumbling and tossing she gets me in the bed,
She's a troublesome troublemaker causing troubling trouble in my head,
She's a twisted turbulence!
- Aekansh Dixit.

P.S: Just a random effort at writing something new. This blog was never meant for any poetry, but I felt like this is worth sharing, I guess. Hope you had a good read!

Lust. Infatuation. Or Love?

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” ― Dr. Seuss

Look, I'm sorry I didn't pick up writing blog posts for a long time, and I'm pretty sure you will not be looking forward for this subject as much as you did for my other "inventive" short stories. So, if you have already started reading this, why not finish it?

I'm going to straight away start from the basics - The Definitions.

Lust - strong sexual desire.
Infatuation - an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.
Love - (n) a strong feeling of affection. (v) feel deep affection or sexual love for (someone).

Well, there is a lot of difference between each one of them. And that is something really complex to find out what kind of feeling we're "actually" feeling. Of course, every guy who's in infatuation says that he/she loves the other person just as much as a person who's "actually" in love. But what's that cuts the ice?

It's the feelings - in itself.

All you got to do to figure out all of this is to sit in a quiet place, and have some peaceful time with just you, and your mind. Doing a bit of research, I found out this interesting comparison - might as well share it here:

• Love develops gradually over time. Infatuation occurs almost instantaneously.
• Love can last a long time. It becomes deeper and more powerful over time. Infatuation is powerful, but short-lived.
• Love accepts the whole person, imperfections and all. Infatuation flourishes on perfection – you have an idealized image of your partner and you only show your partner your good side.
• Love is more than physical attraction. Infatuation focuses on the physical.
• Love is energizing. Infatuation is draining.
• Love improves your overall disposition. Infatuation brings out jealousy and obsessiveness. It causes you to neglect other relationships.
• Loves survives arguments. Infatuation glosses over arguments.
• Love considers the other person. Infatuation is selfish.
• Love is being in love with a person. Infatuation is being in love with love.

So are you in love? Or is it just an infatuation. Let's find out.

Infatuation deals with that happy face of love. It gives you a million reasons to smile, it gives you day dreams, and it gives you another dozen reasons to be stupid. It is, of course, a short lived feeling for someone and is often termed as "crushes" towards other mates.

Infatuation is a wonderful feeling as long as it is not mistaken for love. Infatuation is when all you see is your crush's perfections. All you do when you see him/her with others is get jealous. All you care about is seeing him/her again just so that you can get that rush of adrenaline. Infatuation is when you get all possessive about him/her. You love him/her for the reason why you fell for them. You don't really acknowledge him/her for the way he/she actually is. You try to hide faults, and show only the perfect side of yours. You see butterflies when he/she walks past, and well just everything that is shown in the movies. It's when you start becoming obsessive about that person. But all that hardly lasts for a longer time. Some day, it'll just end. And that. Precisely that, is what separates it from love.

But love, it's something totally different. Love is a serious thing. It's a really serious thing that grows gradually as the time goes by. It's when you accept the other person with all his/her flaws, all their perfections, and imperfections. It's when you don't care who he's/she's talking to, you don't really get jealous, but you look for his/her happiness instead.  You can sacrifice everything of yours just to make her/him feel better about themselves.

It's when before you taste something good, you think about your love's reaction towards that happy incident - you'll think about how happy he/she would feel if they tried this out. It's when you put him/her before yourself. It's when you devote your entire life to the person you love the most. Love is all about security, trust and loyalty. In infatuation, there will be a lot of reasons for you to break up. But when you're in love, even if there's only one reason to hold on, it'll be enough for you to not break up. Love is when you purposefully lose an argument against him/her just so that you both don't fight.

Love is celebration. Unlike infatuation, which drains you out if you don't get to see that person you desire for, love keeps you happy. Love keeps you going. Love is when you do little sacrifices and never let your pride take control of yourself. Love is when you start changing for the better. Love is the fuel, and mind is the vehicle. Love is commitment. Love is when you choose "we" over "me". Love is when you both work together to build a good life.

Love is that strength which keeps you going when everything around you goes to hell. Love is that feeling which keeps you in check. Before you do any action, you think the consequences that would affect "we" instead of "me". It's when you lose all those selfish thoughts about yourself and make sacrifices for the person you love and you would really not boast about these sacrifices because boasting is not what you did them for, it's the care and affection you've got for them that made you do the sacrifices.

Love is when you have confidence in him/her even when you both might not be together. It's about holding on tight when everyone tell you to leave. Love is when you panic if you aren't aware of what your love's condition is. It's when you start crying (being a guy or a girl, never be shy of crying) over the thought of your love getting hurt. Love is that feeling which makes you who you are.

Love is experienced in the present moment. It makes you forget all those sad memories and tension of the future, and just let's you be who you are. Love makes you complete.

So, that was about it. I know, a pretty long post about "love","infatuation" and all, but hey, lust is still left out. But, that is not a very big deal either.

Lust is basically a strong desire towards the opposite gender because of their physical attraction, and nothing more. It lasts for a very little time, and can sometimes grow into infatuation. That's all.

So all my lovers out there, happy Hallowe'en! Cheers!

References:
http://www.srcp.org/for_some_parents/developmental_disabilities/the_specifics/infatuationDD.html
http://www.diffen.com/difference/Infatuation_vs_Love
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/janet-ong-zimmerman/am-i-love-how-know-sure#.VFOP6_mUeSo