Maps

"The tragedy is not that the people do not love us but because we fall in love with those who are not able to love us."

"WHAT???" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The phone slipped from my hand. It fell down with a thud so loud that my heart skipped a beat. My eye sight blurred. The very thought of imagining her in that condition left me dead inside out.

Panicking was the only thing I could do - and did. I reached the spot in an impatient fifteen minutes. Those fifteen minutes were probably the most, the most, THE MOST longest fifteen minutes of my whole lifetime.

"Where's it? Where's it?" I asked every random stranger my eyes could see "Where's the fucking emergency room?" I couldn't keep sight of my direction as I was walking clumsily. Somebody held my hand and directed me towards that room - don't remember who that person was. I wish I could thank him - but I had better jobs to do.

I looked at her. Covered in blood. Her eyes as wide as a church door, but probably suggesting something completely opposite. The idea wasn't clear - my mind couldn't interpret it. I looked at her - and just couldn't stop looking. I could't and didn't think of anything. Didn't talk, din't believe, didn't ask, didn't move - just looked. My eyesight was blurred again as my knees lost the power to handle my weight.

Somebody picked me up, but I punched him. I was angry. This couldn't be happening. No, not at this time! Not when everything was going to be fine! Not when she promised me she'll be there. Not when I found my love. Not, just not now! I shouted, I cried, and she just looked at me - expressionless.

I felt dizzy. I punched the wall.

"This couldn't be happening!" I scream but my voice died inside my throat. Too scared to even reach her ears. "How the fuck did this happen? What happened to her!!! REVIVE HER! FUCKING DOCS!!"

I shouted, looked at the doctors, even pulled one's collar, the guards ran towards me to stop me. I punched one of them. Someone grabbed my left hand -  I kick him and fall to the ground as I hear the bullet pierce through my tibia. I cry. I cry. I cry. I look up, the bright light fade into darkness, The light bulb on the top wasn't bothering me any more.

I try getting up. I look at her. I want to touch her. I collapse.

***

No, I didn't die. No - I didn't lose consciousness. No I didn't faint. I collapsed. Mentally. All my brain cells were so tightly tangled inside - and on top of each other that I could't do anything about it. I was thinking, but couldn't move myself. I was listening - but couldn't respond. I was seeing - but couldn't believe.

I gathered all the strength I had, to get up. The blood loss wasn't bothering me. The guards had me on a a stretcher. I broke through them and just before slipping from my own blood  I managed to grab hold of the bed's corner. I get up. I look at her. Into her eyes - like I had never seen them.

They were telling me something. They were scared. They were't closed. They had fear. They needed someone to make them believe in life again. They needed somebody to love. They needed me. They loved me. They needed me. And when I'm here for her - she's not.

Now when I need her, she's not. Now when I need to re-believe, she's not here. Now when I need to love her, she's not here. Now when I'm giving it my hundred percent, she's not here. This is not fair. Life is not fair. It was never.

I finally fall on the ground for one last time. My eyes shut, and my heart beats dropped. Later, my body was placed right next to hers. I had to. I couldn't evade it. It was the promise I made to her. To be there for her till the end. It was the promise I made to myself. To be there for her, even after the end.

And after all, "I was just following the map that leads to you!"

Twisted Turbulence

“Only the very weak-minded refuse to be influenced by literature and poetry.” ― Cassandra Clare

Sarcastically ironically probably,
The things she thought she said magnificently,
Scared scarred stared like a star,
Cautiously carefully cured by her chocolate bar,
Moved grooved huffed and puffed,
Lovingly lover love was who she loved,
Doubt crowd fear and tear,
Things she said saying sayings that I hear,
Ignoringly ignoring me like ignoring her ignore,
Knowing the knowledge she knows,
Winding wind winding around her skin as the wind blows,
Twisting turning tumbling and tossing she gets me in the bed,
She's a troublesome troublemaker causing troubling trouble in my head,
She's a twisted turbulence!
- Aekansh Dixit.

P.S: Just a random effort at writing something new. This blog was never meant for any poetry, but I felt like this is worth sharing, I guess. Hope you had a good read!

Lust. Infatuation. Or Love?

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” ― Dr. Seuss

Look, I'm sorry I didn't pick up writing blog posts for a long time, and I'm pretty sure you will not be looking forward for this subject as much as you did for my other "inventive" short stories. So, if you have already started reading this, why not finish it?

I'm going to straight away start from the basics - The Definitions.

Lust - strong sexual desire.
Infatuation - an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.
Love - (n) a strong feeling of affection. (v) feel deep affection or sexual love for (someone).

Well, there is a lot of difference between each one of them. And that is something really complex to find out what kind of feeling we're "actually" feeling. Of course, every guy who's in infatuation says that he/she loves the other person just as much as a person who's "actually" in love. But what's that cuts the ice?

It's the feelings - in itself.

All you got to do to figure out all of this is to sit in a quiet place, and have some peaceful time with just you, and your mind. Doing a bit of research, I found out this interesting comparison - might as well share it here:

• Love develops gradually over time. Infatuation occurs almost instantaneously.
• Love can last a long time. It becomes deeper and more powerful over time. Infatuation is powerful, but short-lived.
• Love accepts the whole person, imperfections and all. Infatuation flourishes on perfection – you have an idealized image of your partner and you only show your partner your good side.
• Love is more than physical attraction. Infatuation focuses on the physical.
• Love is energizing. Infatuation is draining.
• Love improves your overall disposition. Infatuation brings out jealousy and obsessiveness. It causes you to neglect other relationships.
• Loves survives arguments. Infatuation glosses over arguments.
• Love considers the other person. Infatuation is selfish.
• Love is being in love with a person. Infatuation is being in love with love.

So are you in love? Or is it just an infatuation. Let's find out.

Infatuation deals with that happy face of love. It gives you a million reasons to smile, it gives you day dreams, and it gives you another dozen reasons to be stupid. It is, of course, a short lived feeling for someone and is often termed as "crushes" towards other mates.

Infatuation is a wonderful feeling as long as it is not mistaken for love. Infatuation is when all you see is your crush's perfections. All you do when you see him/her with others is get jealous. All you care about is seeing him/her again just so that you can get that rush of adrenaline. Infatuation is when you get all possessive about him/her. You love him/her for the reason why you fell for them. You don't really acknowledge him/her for the way he/she actually is. You try to hide faults, and show only the perfect side of yours. You see butterflies when he/she walks past, and well just everything that is shown in the movies. It's when you start becoming obsessive about that person. But all that hardly lasts for a longer time. Some day, it'll just end. And that. Precisely that, is what separates it from love.

But love, it's something totally different. Love is a serious thing. It's a really serious thing that grows gradually as the time goes by. It's when you accept the other person with all his/her flaws, all their perfections, and imperfections. It's when you don't care who he's/she's talking to, you don't really get jealous, but you look for his/her happiness instead.  You can sacrifice everything of yours just to make her/him feel better about themselves.

It's when before you taste something good, you think about your love's reaction towards that happy incident - you'll think about how happy he/she would feel if they tried this out. It's when you put him/her before yourself. It's when you devote your entire life to the person you love the most. Love is all about security, trust and loyalty. In infatuation, there will be a lot of reasons for you to break up. But when you're in love, even if there's only one reason to hold on, it'll be enough for you to not break up. Love is when you purposefully lose an argument against him/her just so that you both don't fight.

Love is celebration. Unlike infatuation, which drains you out if you don't get to see that person you desire for, love keeps you happy. Love keeps you going. Love is when you do little sacrifices and never let your pride take control of yourself. Love is when you start changing for the better. Love is the fuel, and mind is the vehicle. Love is commitment. Love is when you choose "we" over "me". Love is when you both work together to build a good life.

Love is that strength which keeps you going when everything around you goes to hell. Love is that feeling which keeps you in check. Before you do any action, you think the consequences that would affect "we" instead of "me". It's when you lose all those selfish thoughts about yourself and make sacrifices for the person you love and you would really not boast about these sacrifices because boasting is not what you did them for, it's the care and affection you've got for them that made you do the sacrifices.

Love is when you have confidence in him/her even when you both might not be together. It's about holding on tight when everyone tell you to leave. Love is when you panic if you aren't aware of what your love's condition is. It's when you start crying (being a guy or a girl, never be shy of crying) over the thought of your love getting hurt. Love is that feeling which makes you who you are.

Love is experienced in the present moment. It makes you forget all those sad memories and tension of the future, and just let's you be who you are. Love makes you complete.

So, that was about it. I know, a pretty long post about "love","infatuation" and all, but hey, lust is still left out. But, that is not a very big deal either.

Lust is basically a strong desire towards the opposite gender because of their physical attraction, and nothing more. It lasts for a very little time, and can sometimes grow into infatuation. That's all.

So all my lovers out there, happy Hallowe'en! Cheers!

References:
http://www.srcp.org/for_some_parents/developmental_disabilities/the_specifics/infatuationDD.html
http://www.diffen.com/difference/Infatuation_vs_Love
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/janet-ong-zimmerman/am-i-love-how-know-sure#.VFOP6_mUeSo

I'm alive!

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.” ― Erma Bombeck

I'm still alive. I cannot feel anything, but I can certainly hear everything. I have cancer. Brain tumour, to its severe stages. The people already consider me dead. No they haven't informed my family. I can hear them talk and they seem to plan on telling them this afternoon as soon as they confirm my death.

I cannot move any part of my body, not even my eyes. My heart skips almost every alternate beat and is slowing down every second. I can feel no pain. The doctors closed my eyes to prevent extra pressure on the optic centre of my brain, which was close to the sight of infection, earlier.

I know I am going to die, but I still am alive. I try lifting my hand, but I'm scared. I heard the doctors tell my family that even the slightest pressure in this stage can cause permanent damage, and I will eventually die.  I do not believe them. I command my hand to lift itself, but it's impossible. One part of my brain, the ventral tegmental area, dies with that very thought of action.

My heart starts beating fast, and I can hear the beep of the machine go louder. All I can hear is the doctors panicking, as I can make out from their conversation. All of a sudden, I feel a low thud, and my heart stops. Within very few seconds, I lose my hearing sensation, and all I can see is darkness. I do not even know what colour it is.

But, I'm still alive, and they do not know it. I am energy. I feel very light, and I can feel negative. Probably those are the electron working. But, overall I am neutral. Within few seconds I feel something. I feel my senses back. My atoms clinch together firmly, and I can see light. A white light, to be precise. I fly into it. Everything else is darkness.

I have always wondered what Heaven looked like, or even Hell for that matter. Probably that is what I am heading for. As I enter the white light, I can see all the things that I had done as a human. Every single thing is playing on the fast forward mode. Wait, I pause. My family has arrived in the hospital and all of them are broken. Heart broken.

I look at them, and smile. No smile, actually. I am just a small collection of tight atoms, and the rest of them are trying to catch up with my other atoms. Suddenly, the white light vanishes and I come back to darkness, There is only darkness. I cannot move, there is no body to move.  I only float. Like float in water.

Suddenly, I see yellow light, and a door opening. My friend comes inside, as I realise I am back to my old house. My uncle had brought this soon after we left it. I feel good coming back to earth. I float to another side of the house, when my friend gets so scared that he slams three fat books towards my direction. I am invisible, and all I can feel is a feather touch, and the three books fly past me.

I want to tell him that I am not here to scare him. Actually I, myself, don't know why I am brought here. I even call out his name, but no sound comes out. He feels it, I know it. Because the next second I see him under the bed, crying. I feel pity for him, so I head towards the main door of the house.

As I try walking past it I get stuck in the thick wood of the door, Or maybe because somebody does not want me to leave this place. I wonder why. I stay there, in one corner. Seeing nothing, feeling nothing, hearing nothing, and moving nothing. I have no emotions, no body to start with, and every few seconds I change forms into something different. My colour is transparent and I feel neutral: atoms are neutral.

I knew there would be no Hell, or Heaven, either. If there was, then why didn't I see it? Does God exist? Is he the one who transferred me here? I'll bet no, he isn't. I did not meet any one. I did not even go through any places. All I remember seeing was my life's recap, and the white light which brought me here. As I start thinking, I realise that these people of the house want me out of the place. They keep referring to me as Evil Spirit, and they also brought a holy man to do some matras to remove me out of this place.

After half an hour of the long religious program, I feel even more light. I feel broken when my atoms start losing electrons, and they turn into something else. Within few minutes I am totally apart. Every atom is no more, and every electron has ran into something else. With the few atoms I can recollect, I gradually lose my ability to attract my kinds, and all I can do is, brake.

Five minutes after the holy program, I vanish. I don't know what I am turned into. I lose all my memory, and everything I possibly had. Everything is dark again. Pitch black. The next second, I realise I am in a skin coloured bag. I do not know what it is. I am pushed outside my a force, and all I can see is doctors smiling. I start crying because I do not know what has happened, or where I am for that matter, too.

I look down, and I recognize my mother. I smile to her telling her as if I know where I have come, back to square one. And that is how I take rebirth as a human. Energy that I was converted into, had lost its potential, and had attracted itself into the atoms of a small baby girl.

You be the God

"Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward with the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence."

Did you ever feel like being a God? Do you know what it takes to be a God? Do you want to know how it actually feels when you are a God, and have the power to control everything? Do you want to be God? Well then, You be the God!

So now, you are a God. We will now give you a Super God Name. We will  now call you "Lasier". (The name doesn't mean anything, so don't break your head into that!) You are given your special chariot in which you can visit any place you want. You are shown your personal cloud where you can stay, get fresh, and look around the rainbow. You are given a computer system which analyses every human's fate and destiny, name, ID, what each human is doing, and much more. You get to meet other Gods. You have 24/7 food supply, angels flying around you, and you can order just any fast food and soft drink you want. The other Gods first test your potential. They give you a office where you have to control the world, without anyone's help or advice. That's cool, right?

Well, if you are thinking you can kill anyone you want with just a click of your fingers, or you can grant someone's wish just by smiling, you are going to be kicked out of your job. It is not that easy folks!

You quietly sit on the chair provided to you, and you have a huge SLED (Super LED) filling up the entire wall with various kinds of informations. You are confused, so you just sit there. Suddenly, a beep sound is heard by you, and it looks like you have a notification. You look at the light blue square on which "1" is written, with your eyes, and the square expands and fills the screen up. You see a man praying, asking you to help his sister get married. He promises to give you sweets. You smile, and look at the bottom right corner. His name is "Shankar" and he is 31 years old. He is from Mangalore.  You look down at your keyboard. There is a button for "Grant Wish". You click on it, and the notification square goes back to the its original size.

Just almost instantaneously, there are two more notifications. By now, you understand that the SLED screen works with eye gestures. You again look at the notification square, this time a split screen fills the screen. A guy from Taliban, and the USA, comes up. One of them wants his terror plans to work, the other wants his salary increased. You sit there confused. You like helping people, so you grant the other one's wish, and the split screen closes, and now you can only see the Taliban guy. You do not understand Arabic. So you look at the keyboard, and press the "Translate" button. He wants to plan a terror attack in his area, and he wants your blessings. Certainly, you do not want him to succeed, so you are confused.

While you are busy thinking, five notifications pop up with very little delay between each of them. You do not understand which to choose first. You look on the summary option on the screen, and it shows you what the humans want in one sentence. The first one, as we know, need his terror plan to succeed. The second blames you for his son's death. The third one wants you to deal with her husband. The fourth one wants you help him in his exams. The fifth one wants you to stay there by his side while he is fighting his life. The sixth one is telling the world that you will be happy if he spreads terror. You are confused and do not know what to do. You do not understand why people blame you for good, and bad stuff.

You grant the fifth one's wish, and sit there unmoved. By this time, your screen is filled with more than thirty notifications, and increasing per second. You search around the office for help. You find a switch called "Relax", and you press it. Immediately, the screen changes into a beautiful scenery from the forests of Africa. You see a elephant sitting with his calf. You feel better. While you are looking at the cute relationship of the animals, you realise how dependent the humans are on Gods. While you are busy thinking, you hear a gun fire, and just the next second, the elephant is dead, and the calf runs away. You feel really angry. The screen shows you six hunters trying to take away the dead elephant. One of them is heard by you saying, "This animal will make us good profit!". You feel really sad.

You decide to give them a punishment. So, you press the "curse" button. You come back to your normal job, and to your surprise you have more than ten thousand notifications just in ten minutes. You close your eyes, and you hear a sound saying "Gesture Approved" , to which you respond by opening your eyes. You see random judgements to random people. To your surprise the people who deserved their wishes to be fulfilled, they are denied, and the other ones' are fulfilled. You immediately stop the random judgements. Your notifications had come down from "10,233" to "346", in just a matter of seconds. You are stunned to hear all this.

You put the system on "God mode" and come out of the office. Some one calls on you, and you turn back.
"What happened, Lasier? You're not supposed to come out of that office!"  You reply by saying that you are tired, and that you cannot take this any more. You tell him that there are so many problems to be handled in such little time, and that people take his name for every small thing. A mosquito bites someone, your name is called. Somebody dies, your name is called. Someone fails, your name is called. You did not know what to do.

He then replies, "That is why this office is always kept on 'God Mode'. Let the humans decide their own fate. They know to create their own destiny, and it is not our jobs to correct them. We have to show them the path, not walk with them. They know that what they give, they get. We gave them enough knowledge to understand that the nature helps you, if you are willing to help the nature. We do not have any special things to do here. Life is very boring and irritating here in heaven. You must have understood by now, right?"

You reply, "Yes. I kept wondering that what ever I did back there as a human, I thought it was Gods who made me do it."

He replies, "No, certainly not. I do have a book written on each and every human on the earth. But, I have also given the pens to you humans. You can decide what to write, what not to. Do you still want to continue, as a God?"

Next day, you are back as a human, and your memory is erased.

Keep thinking! Cheers!

P.S: All the names of the people, country, and the story is purely fictional. No real harm or bad intention intended.